Patient education: Intimate partner violence (The Basics)

What is intimate partner violence? — Intimate partner violence is sometimes called "domestic violence." It happens between 2 people in a close relationship. They can be married, dating, close friends, or family members. This type of violence involves abusive behaviors that can be physical, emotional, or sexual. An abuser might also use threats of violence or other controlling behaviors.

Abuse might start to happen more often and cause more serious injuries over time. In between, tension often builds until the next time. After a violent event, the person who has hurt you will often say that they are sorry. They might even make promises that it will not happen again. Other times, the person might blame you for making them upset and blame you for their actions. This might make you feel confused or question your own behavior. But it is important to know that intimate partner violence is not your fault.

If you are experiencing intimate partner violence, you might feel alone, and it can be hard to ask for help. But help is available.

Who is affected by intimate partner violence? — Intimate partner violence can happen to people of any age, race, gender identity, income, sexual orientation, or faith. It can happen at any time. Intimate partner violence can take many forms and can change over time. It is about a person holding power and control over another person.

Sometimes, intimate partner violence can start in ways that seem kind, loving, or protective. Then, over time, the person's behaviors become intimidating, threatening, or scary.

What is the most important thing I should do? — If you are experiencing intimate partner violence, the most important thing you can do is to make sure that you are safe. Go to a safe place like a friend's or family member's house. Crisis shelters or police stations are other safe places. If possible, take your keys, money, and important papers with you.

What does intimate partner violence look like? — Intimate partner violence does not always look the same. Some types of violence do not leave a visible mark. But there are some signs that suggest a person might be the victim of violence.

Intimate partner violence can involve any of the following:

●Physical violence – This means using physical force to harm another person. The story of how an injury happened might not match the injury. The abuser might try to hide the signs by hitting on the back, the belly, or other areas covered by clothing.

Physical violence can include:

•Hitting with hands or objects

•Kicking

•Slapping

•Biting

•Punching

•Strangling

•Suffocating

•Denying medical care

After experiencing physical violence, a person might have:

•Burns, bites, or bruises they cannot explain

•Pain in any part of the body, often the arms, legs, or genitals

•Odd ways of moving or walking

•Torn, stained, or bloody clothes or underwear

●Sexual violence – This means forcing another person to take part in sexual activity against their will. Sexual violence can happen to anyone, no matter their gender or sexual orientation.

Sexual violence can include:

•Any kind of body contact that involves kissing or touching

•Anal, oral, or vaginal sex

•Telling a person to take off their clothes

•Taking pictures of a person for pornography

•A person showing their genitals to another person

•Forcing a person to watch sex acts or any form of pornography

•Saying sexual things to a person

•Verbally or physically forcing a person to have sex

•Using people as prostitutes or sex slaves

•Treating someone in a sexually demeaning way

After experiencing sexual violence, a person might:

•Have problems sleeping

•Have nightmares

•Seem afraid of a certain person or change the way they act around them

•Become depressed, scared, and anxious

•Avoid or quit their activities

•Have torn, stained, or bloody clothes or underwear

•Have pain, bruising, or itching around the breasts, vagina, or anal area

•Have a sexually transmitted infection

•Think or talk about suicide or harming themselves

●Psychological or emotional violence – This type of violence causes pain and agony to a person, often through constant criticism and putdowns. It changes the way a person thinks about themselves. It can make them feel alone, ashamed, and worthless. Using threats of violence or controlling behaviors is a kind of psychological or emotional violence. An abuser might also control access to money, activities, or other people.

Psychological or emotional violence can include:

•Shaming someone, often in front of others

•Rejection

•Not showing love, affection, or attention

•Threatening someone

•Making fun of someone

•Threatening to kill or harm someone who wants to leave

•Controlling where someone goes or what they do

•Controlling another person's finances

•Threatening to take away another person's children

After experiencing psychological or emotional violence, a person might:

•Feel afraid of the abusive person much of the time

•Believe that they deserve to be mistreated

•Feel helpless

•Believe that they cannot do anything right for their partner

•Avoid topics out of fear of making their partner mad

•Avoid being around family and friends when their partner is there

What problems can happen because of intimate partner violence? — A person experiencing intimate partner violence can have problems like:

●Physical trauma like bruises, cuts, or wounds

●Genital infection or bleeding

●Problems like depression, eating disorders, or post-traumatic stress disorder ("PTSD")

●Substance use

●Avoiding family or friends, or other family problems

●Lack of interest in doing things

●Thoughts of self-harm or suicide

●Low self-esteem

●Fear of being intimate

How do I get help? — If you are in immediate danger, call for emergency help (in the US and Canada, call 9-1-1).

If you have a doctor or nurse you trust, you can ask them for help. They can help you figure out a safety plan. They can also help you if you have anxiety, depression, or other health concerns. If you want, your doctor or nurse can also connect you with resources in your area that can offer support.

If you have a safe way to get information online or by phone, other resources include:

●National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: www.ncadv.org

●National Domestic Violence Hotline: www.thehotline.org or 1-800-799-7233

●Futures Without Violence: www.futureswithoutviolence.org

What do I do if I think that a friend or loved one might be experiencing intimate partner violence?

●Let them know that the violence is not their fault.

●Allow them time to talk about it if they want to.

●Offer help and support, but respect their choices. There are many reasons why a person might stay in or return to an abusive relationship.

●Encourage them to spend time with supportive friends and family members, if possible.

●Help them make a safety plan. Talk with them about what they would need in an emergency and where they can store an emergency kit outside of their home. Help them figure out a safe place to stay such as with friends or family or in a shelter.

●Connect them to people who can offer help. This could be a shelter, a safe place to stay, or an agency that helps people deal with abuse.

More on this topic

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