Patient education: Helping a child cope with the death of a pet (The Basics)

Why do we grieve after losing a pet? — 

Pets are often more than just animals we own. They might be a member of the family, and might be our best friend. This close relationship makes us happy. It also makes it very hard when we lose a pet to old age, illness, or an accident.

The death of a pet can be very sad for people of all ages. It might be a child's first experience with grief.

Grief is a normal, human response to loss. Everyone grieves in a different way, and grief can change over time. There is no right or wrong way for a person to grieve.

Should I protect my child from their pet's death? — 

No. You might want to protect children from unpleasant feelings. It can also be hard for adults to talk about death. You might be dealing with your own emotions while trying to answer your child's questions and explain what happened.

But a pet's death gives you a chance to show healthy ways to cope with grief. It can help a child learn to manage their feelings of sadness, grief, and loss. This can help them learn that death is a natural part of life and that adults have emotions, too.

Pretending your pet "ran away" can be confusing. Your child will still be sad and might believe the pet will come back. Your child might also be upset if they find out you lied. Instead, be honest and encourage questions.

Your child's age and understanding will affect what you say to them. For example, you might say this to a younger child: "I have something very sad to tell you. Buster has died. This means his body has stopped moving. He doesn't move anymore because his muscles have stopped working. He doesn't breathe anymore because his lungs have stopped working. His heart has stopped and will never start again. He doesn't feel anything and is not in any pain. I am sad because Buster died, and I will miss him. It is OK if you want to ask me any questions. I will try to answer them."

How can I help my child cope with the death of a pet? — 

Death is a hard concept for many children to understand. They might not know what happens when something dies. The child's age, maturity level, and experiences all affect what they think about death and dying. All these things will guide how you talk to them about a pet's death.

Children cope in different ways. Grieving takes time and doesn't happen all at once. They usually begin to feel a bit better over time. This is normal. Don't rush to get a "replacement" pet before the child has a chance to grieve.

Here are some tips to help them grieve and learn to cope in a healthy way:

●Talk to your child about the death – Share information in a way that is right for your child, based on their age and awareness of what happened. You might share more with an older child than a younger one.

•Use simple words, and let your child ask questions. This helps you decide what information your child can handle.

•Tell the truth. Tell your child if your pet was sick or was in an accident. Reassure them the vet did everything possible.

•If you have to euthanize your pet (choose to end their life because of a sickness or injury), explain your pet is not going to get better. If possible, give your child a chance to say goodbye and spend some time with the pet. Depending on your child's age, you might want to say something like, "The vet will give our pet a shot that helps them relax and then stops their heart from beating." Explain the pet died peacefully and wasn't in pain or scared.

Do not tell your child the pet was "put to sleep." Instead, use words like "died," "death," or "dying." Young children can have a hard time understanding what "put to sleep" means. This can make your child afraid of going to sleep or of surgery and anesthesia.

•Reading books about the death of a pet can be a helpful way to encourage your child to share their feelings.

●Help your child cope with their feelings – Talk with them about how they feel, and ask what they are thinking. Don't force a child to talk to you, but let them know you are interested and available.

•There is no right or wrong way for children to grieve. It is normal for them to experience many emotions like sadness, anger, or loneliness, sometimes at the same time. Children might feel guilty about times they weren't nice to the pet or didn't care for them as promised.

•Don't compare their reaction with others. Some children will cry. Others might be angry. Some might not react at all. All these are OK. These emotions can come and go for weeks to months.

•It is normal for children to ask questions. They might even play "funeral" with dolls or stuffed animals. It is a healthy way for them to make sense of the loss.

●Reassure your child – Remind them there are many people who love and care for them. Reassure them not every illness or accident ends in death.

•Reassure your child they weren't responsible for the pet's death.

•Give them extra hugs. Let them sit on your lap or be close to you to feel safe.

•Cope with your own grief in healthy ways. It is OK to let children see you grieve, but also reassure them you are going to be fine and continue to care for them. It can help to share stories about pets you had and lost when you were younger. Tell them it was hard to say goodbye, but you were able to heal and move on.

●Help your child remember the pet – You might want to have a funeral or ceremony to remember the pet.

•Tell stories or draw pictures together. Light a candle, and look at photos or videos of the pet.

•Help children create a memorial. Make a garden, or plant a tree, rose bush, or flowers.

When should I call the doctor? — 

Call for advice if:

●Your child has trouble doing their regular activities for a long time after the pet's death.

●Your child spends a lot of time thinking about the pet.

●Your child's grief seems to be getting worse or not getting better over time.

●Your child seems withdrawn and loses interest in daily activities.

●Your child has big changes in their behavior, such as substance misuse or acting out.

More on this topic

Patient education: Helping a child cope with grief (The Basics)
Patient education: Grief in adults (The Basics)
Patient education: Coping in times of crisis (The Basics)
Patient education: Coping with worry and stress (The Basics)
Patient education: Depression in children and teens (The Basics)

Patient education: Depression in children and adolescents (Beyond the Basics)